It’s a like – dislike relationship. Not really a love – hate thing. Although I desire to write, I sit staring at a blank screen, like someone has drained the words right out of my head. I suppose I’m what some may call ‘old-school’ (others just call old). It’s the paper and pen way or the highway. My creativity lies somewhere between my knuckles and the tip of the pen where the ink flows out. Not much seems to flow when I’m facing a screen.
Anyway, the first birds of the morning are singing and instead of waking, I’m typing. Some folks blog the happy things that go on in their lives from day to day, with pictures and clever captions etc. It seems my writing takes a more introspective approach – whether I want it to or not.
I drove my father back from the ER. Getting old and losing control of your bodily functions, including some of your brain functions, just isn’t the way I want to go. Watching my dad go through all this unreal stuff, I know the Lord is walking with me, and I pray with him. It’s like trying to balance a train car on my fingertip – this cry or no cry show. I’m tired and weak I know He is awake and strong. But what do I do now? I am so afraid of making the wrong decision, I sometimes tend to not make decisions if I don’t absolutely have to. Things just seem to fall into their right place anyway.
Why are we afraid of what others might think? Or how come we fear what we don’t know? Slow down cowgirl, one at a time. I used to shop at the Salvation Army in Medford. They always had the coolest stuff. I bought this awesome coat for $2 one time. It was black velvet with a fuschia satin lining. It was big, had a black velvet bow in the back and went down almost to my ankles. A very cool coat. That was back in high school. I wore it for years. The lining tore (it was thin to begin with) and it was too costly to replace, so I reluctantly passed it on. Same with this suit from the forties, I think. A wonderful cabernet color, with oval buttons on the snug jacket, and a velvet lapel. Velvet was big then , I guess. The slender skirt was mid length with a pleated kick panel. I think it made me look taller. This was in the early 70’s. I don’t think retro was ‘in’, but I didn’t care. Then I went beserk and went through a phase (very short lived) where I wanted to conform. I tried to dress like the style of the day. I felt like a monkey in a tutu. It was too much trouble, too much time and too much money. And, go figure, I looked just like everyone else. Ugh! After that, comfort was my personal designer. Maybe that’s why I still wear 501s.
Perfect loves casts out fear. I marvel at the influence in my life of God, Himself, way before I acknowledged or understood His presence there. His love cast out that fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what others might think. (See they are tied together.) Knowing for certain and without one doubt, that my Savior, God Almighty is in full control of everything…..well, that’s the most secure feeling in the world. If God is for us, who can be against us?
So I blog. On the keyboard. In front of the screen. Knowing that someday these silly little words will all go whirling off into the dark hole anyway. But that my soul will be with Christ forever.
